#we were outside drinking juice and the little dudes came and crawled on my hands

[hylianengineer]

I have now horrified TWO Spanish classes by being fond of wasps.

[nctsplug02]

Can I request dad!johnny? he cheated with y/n so they broke up and 3 yrs later he saw y/n with their son (y/n a single mom) but johnny isnt still aware of it that it’s his kid? Angst-fluff maybe? Thank you!

get your popcorns ready, this is gonna be a long story.

genre: angst, fluff

—

You and your son were waiting in line for some ice cream, he heard the ice cream truck and asked to get some, of course you agreed since it was so hot outside. “Hello,” you greeted the man in the ice cream truck. “Hi, what can I get for you today?” He asks and you hum. “I think I’ll get vanilla. What do you want, baby?” You ask your three year old. “Can I get the brown one?”

The man chuckles and nods before heading back into his truck to get the ice creams. “Okay, here you two are! It’ll be five bucks.” You hand the man a five dollar bill before bidding your goodbyes.

“Y/n?” You turn your head to the direction where your name was called. “Oh, Mark? Taeil?” You’re shocked to see your olds friends standing in line, waiting to order their ice creams. “So it is you! Hyung, you owe me twenty bucks,” Taeil rolls his eyes at the youngster and nods.

“Anyways, how’ve you been? It’s been so long!” The young boy cheers. “I’ve—,” you feel your dress get tugged on. “Mommy, who are they?” Your son asks, hiding behind you. “These.. um,” you look back at Mark and taeil. “They are my friends from a long time ago.” You smile at the two men in front of you.

“Wait, your a mom now? Wow!” Mark covers his mouth in shock. “Mark, youre too loud.” Taeil tells him, Mark apologizes and lowers his voice. “Uh, yeah.. I’m a mom now.” Mark crouches down and holds a fit out to your son. “Hi, buddy! I’m mark!” Your son tilts to the side to look at Mark. He looks up at you who just smiles down at him. “I’m Sungchan.” Your son quietly introduces himself and hi-fives Marks fist.

“Nice to meet you, sungchan.” Mark giggles at the three year olds shyness. “Where are you guys off to?” Taeil asks while Mark tried to start a conversation with the three year old. “Just back to the park, what about you guys?” You point to the park that had no people. “Well, we came here to get some ice cream for us and the others, so we’re headed back.. over there.”

He points to a place behind the cars that were all parked and lined up. “Oh, who’s all over there with you guys? Maybe I’ll come with and say hello to them.” You smile at him, thinking about the others that you hadn’t seen either. “Well, there’s taeyong, Jeno, yuta, Doyoung, and Johnny.” He lists them out, you pause at the last name.

“O—oh, um, actually I think me and Sungchan are just gonna head home after this.” You hug Sungchan to your leg. “Oh, well. Here, how about we swap numbers so you can come over tonight? I mean, we are throwing a little party.” You think about it, what could go wrong with reuniting with some old friends?

“Sure! I mean, it’s been years since we’ve all talked and seen each other, so why not?” He laughs a little and pulls his phone out. You and him swap numbers before you and Sungchan left home.

Mark and Taeil walk back to the little group with ice cream cones in their hands. “Okay, take your ice creams! Me and Taeil have to tell you guys who we just met.” They all take their ice cream and wait for Mark to continue.

“We bumped into y/n at the ice cream truck, she looks better than ever!” Mark announces with a giggle.

——

Later that night, Taeil had texted you, telling you to come over for a bit. You got worried and asked if you could bring Sungchan, he said yes and that he didn’t mind.

You got Sungchan out of the car and knocked on the door. The door swings open and you see Mark at the door. “Aye! You actually came!” He gasps when he sees the three year old standing besides you. “Ahh! Sungchan!” He giggles and starts to jump. “Hi, Mark.” You giggle at how excited he was to see your son.

Mark shuts the door after letting the two of you in. “Are you hungry? Yeah, okay. Why don’t you go play with uncle Mark while mommy grabs you some food, yeah?” Your son nods and looks up at Mark. “Let’s go!” Sungchan grabs Marks hand and allows Mark to take him to the basement.

You sigh and start looking around for the kitchen. “Oh,” you find the kitchen filled with food that they had just barbecued. You hum and start looking for plates, paper plates are sitting on the counter which you grabbed. You filled with plate up with some chicken and rice. You reheat the cold food and while waiting a voice scares you.

“Y/n?” Oh, you knew that voice, you knew it well.

You turned around to see your ex lover standing in shock by the door frame. “Johnny, hi.” You inhale sharply. “Is.. is that your kid?” He points behind him.

- few moments ago -

Johnny sighs and opens the bathroom door. “Yo! Watch out, man!” Mark yells and pushes the tall man back into the bathroom. “Woah, who’s kid is that?” Johnny asks pointing to the three year old.

“Mhm.” You nod confirming his question. “Oh, well, how’ve you been—?”

beep, beep, beep.

The microwave saves the awkward moment. “I’ve been good, how about you?” You grab the food out of the microwave. “I’ve been.. good too.” He nods and tucks his hands in his pockets. “That’s good. Can you show me where the basement is?” He nods and gestures you to follow him.

Entering the basement, you could see your son playing with Mark. “Oh, my god! Y/n? It’s been so long!” Jungwoo gasps and sits up, running over to you and hugging you. “Hi Jungwoo!” You giggle and pst his back as he swayed you back and forth. “Gosh! So that baby must be yours, huh?” You nod and scrunch your face up. “Okay, well I see you have a plate of food so, go on.”

You walk over to Mark and Sungchan who are playing with some action figures. “Channie, come eat food.” You sit down and place the plate down. “Okay, mommy.” He crawls over to you and sits in front of you. “Here, ahh.” You open your mouth and so does he. “Omm, nom nom nom.” Your son giggles at your food noises.

——

After feeding your son, your son got tired and wanted to go home. “Hey guys, me and Sungchan are gonna head home. He’s getting really tired and cranky.” The guys frown and whine, not wanting you to leave just yet. “I’ll see you guys next time, okay?” Mark walks you to your car with Sungchan in his arms.

“Okay, bye y/n. Drive safe, alright?” You giggle and nod. “I’m not that bad of a driver, Mark. But yes, don’t worry. Goodnight Mark, don’t drink too much.” He laughs and nods. “Okay, mom,” he jokes, “goodbye channie, see you soon! Bye buddy!” He waves the little boy off before running back inside as you drove off.

——

For days your son had begged you nonstop if he could spend the night at Marks, and honestly, you didn’t know if Mark would be up for it or if he would be able to take care of your three year old. “Okay, I’ll call uncle Mark to see if he lets, okay?” The three year old cheers and nods.

You pick up your phone and start calling Mark.

“Hey, what’s up y/n?” The man sounded so lively. “Hi Mark, can I ask you something?” The boy nods and hums. “Okay, so lately Sungchan had been asking and begging for me to let him sleep at your place, so is it alright if Sungchan sleeps at your place? For like, a day?”

The man on the other line freaks. “Dude, of course! Send me your address I’ll come pick him up.” You giggle at his excitement, him and Sungchan are growing up as best friends. “Alright, ill send it.” The other line goes silent, bitch hung up.

“Channie! Go get ready! Uncle Mark is coming to pick you up!” The little boy cheers and runs into his room, quickly packing some of his toys and some clothes.

“Im ready, mommy!” He says with his backpack on and his shoes on the wrong way. “Good job, baby! Let’s go wait for uncle Mark outside, yeah?” He nods and runs towards the front door.

You and him are outside, youre sitting on the steps while he sat next to you. “It’s a pretty day, isn’t it?” Your son nods and looks at the flowers that were planted by the big tree in front of your house, it had a swing on it from your childhood.

A car pulls up and you grab Sungchan hand. “Oh, it’s uncle mark.” You let his hand go as he slowly walks down the stairs and then runs to his uncle. “Uncle Mark!” He jumps into the mans arms and makes the older man giggle. “Hey buddy!” He lifts up the three year old and looks over at you, who is walking towards them.

“Hey Mark, take good care of my baby, okay? He’s the only one I’m having.” Mark and you laugh, but soon after he nods. “Hey y/n?” You look in the car to see Johnny sitting in the passenger seat. “Oh, hey Johnny, didn’t see you.” He slightly laughs and then looks back in his lap. “Alright, ready to go, buddy?” The three year old nods.

“You go and be good, okay? If someone tells me you were being a bad boy, then you don’t get to go back to uncle Marks, got it?” The little on nods. “Okay, give mommy a kiss.” You turn your head and point to your cheek. You pull away when you feel his little lips press against it. “Okay, bye bye, baby.” You ruffle his hair. “Bye mommy!”

——

Later that night, you had ran to that store for some food and bumped into someone very attractive. You and him swapped numbers and starts going on dates after that. While on those dates, Mark would babysit for you, you offered to pay him for every time he watch your son but he didn’t accept it.

Tonight was a rainy night, you and jaehyun couldn’t go on a date so you both decided to stay in with Sungchan.

- a little recap of their night -

“Happy 8 month anniversary, babe.” Jaehyun says and clinks his wine glass with yours. “Happy 8 months, baby.” You take a small swig. “Mommy, happy happy day.” Sungchan holds up his cup of apple juice. “Aww, happy happy day, baby.” You giggled and clinked your cup with his.

——

It was so late and the rain made the three of you guys so sleepy, so the three of you ended up sleeping early.

A sudden faint knock could be heard from the living room. You sit up frantically, another knock. “Who the f.. it’s so late..” you groan and get out of bed, making your way down to the front door with a bat in your hand.

“Johnny?” You see Johnny standing in front of your door all soaked, he looked.. intoxicated. “Y/n..” he slurred and wobbled, he couldn’t even hold himself up. “Johnny, it’s late, what are you doing in front of my door at this time?” He laughs but it sounded broken. “I.. I miss you so much..”

he was just drunk talking, you said to yourself.

“Johnny, should I call Mark—?” He quickly shakes his head. “No, please don’t. If you do then he’ll yell at me.” You sigh, the cold breeze making your legs shiver. “I just miss you so much, I miss holding you at night, I miss the way you kissed me, please just take me back—“ you stopped his rambling, his drunk rambling.

“No, johnny, you don’t get to do this! I’ve finally healed after 4 years of our break up. I was so heartbroken that you cheated on me with some random chick from the bar. I was so hurt that you hid it from me and that I had to find out from Renjun and Chenle. This ain’t fair, johnny!” He laughs and nods. “He’s my son, isn’t he?” Great, a new topic.

“So what if he is? It doesn’t matter anymore, you were never in the picture anyway so why does it matter?” He looks up at you. “He’s my son—“ you shake your head. “No he isn’t, he isn’t. He may have your blood but he isn’t your son.” Silence took over, all that could be heard was the raining showering. “Just leave, please? I don’t want to ever see you again.” He steps closer with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Y/n, please let’s just talk—“ the door opens wider. “She said to leave.” Johnny looks at the man besides you and then back at you. “Alright, I’m sorry..” Johnny turns back around and walks out of your property.

Jaehyun closes the door shut and is immediately taken into your embrace. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He shakes his hand and taps on your thigh, telling you to jump, so you do. “It’s okay, let’s just go back to bed.” He says carrying you back up to your room.

————

a/n: i got really tired and confused at the end. hopefully you can see where i ran out of words and ideas for this story. and by confused i mean like, not knowing anymore words, not knowing what to write and etc. hopefully i can fix this and make it better because it isn’t really that good. I’ll try my best next time! :)

[sweetlilpaulie]

Tiny Dancer

John X Reader

Caution: Heated moments, Strong language, Sexual references.

I’m actually quite proud of how this one turned out.

Enjoy, my cuties.

~~~

The room was on fire.

Not literally, of course, but the hundred bodies cramped up in a tiny club, definitely made it feel that way.

I love to dace, what can I say?

So here I was, in the heat of the moment, shoving away my introvert, and dancing like there was no tomorrow.

Maybe there wouldn’t be.

Who the fuck cares?

A few hours earlier, I was chatting with my best friend.

“I’ve got a man. You need a man! Babe, you could get any guy that you want, all you gotta do is look at him.”

Rolling my eyes, I sighed. “Lisa, I don’t need anybody. Just chill out. I’m fine just the way I am.” I smirked “Untouchable.”

“Dude, you can’t stay a virgin forever.”

“Yes, I can watch me!”

“Wanna bet?”

“Yes, actually.”

She grinned “I bet you 100 dollars to go to Mark’s tonight and get roaring drunk. If you comeback a virgin, I’ll eat my shoe.”

“And pay me 100 bucks.”

“Yes, that too.”

I shook her hand.

“Deal.”

I went to Mark’s.

I even went a little further and wore the most scandalous thing in my wardrobe. Spaghetti strapped, thigh length, skimpy black dress, if you’d even call it that, clung to my hourglass body like a long lost friend. Ruby studs and a matching necklace only added to my look. Of course, as any girl looking for a good time, I wore 3 inch heels that hurt like a bitch. I put so much makeup on my face that my guise didn’t even look remotely familiar.

“What to drink?” asked the bartender, wiping champagne flutes.

“Surprise me.” I grinned.

He smiled back “As you wish.” He got working, mixing his voodoo drink.

I glanced around the place. It was fairly quiet, for a club at least. 

Some old men smoking pipes in the back.

A girl and her girlfriends sipping margaritas at the bar.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Mia, Happy birthday to you!”

The girls clapped and the girl, who I assumed was Mia, took a sip of the drink. Immediately after, she coughed hysterically.

Amused, I presumed she had just gotten to legal drinking age and so she was living it up with her girlfriends.

Not a bad way to live, I thought, watching them a while.

The bartender came back with the surprise drink.

“Mad Hatter.” he said.

I stared at it. I was a pretty turquoise colour, and the edges were rimmed with pink.

I took a sip.

The flavour hit my tongue instantly. Definitely lime, along with something that tasted like melted jolly ranchers, vodka and something I couldn’t quite place.

Just as I took another sip, a large group came in. All of them were young men. Very handsome young men. I decided to pay them no mind.

At least for the moment.

As I continued taking sips, I felt one of the boys’ eyes on me. I shoved away the flirty impulse of turning, and winking at him and instead stared out at the town, which was getting darker by the minute.

Minutes ticked by, and more people came in.

The sound of chatter was starting to irritate me.

I stood up, and walked straight to the jukebox.

Once the music hit my ears, a sudden relief washed over me. I finished off the my drink and requested another one, a bit stronger this time. The bartender’s eyes raised, but he said nothing as he went to work on another one.

Once I got it, I threw back half of it. I was started to feel extremely relaxed and a bit woozy.

Normally, I’m a fairly mellow girl and don’t really care to be the center of attention. 

Oh, but tonight was different. I was the star of the show and every boy in the room wanted me.

But no fucking way would any of them get me.

I swayed and danced to the music.

I was the only one at first, but I didn’t give a fuck. Soon enough, birthday girl and her groupies joined me. Everyone started catching on, pushed back their chairs, and got lost in the music.

I ordered one “Mad Hatter” after another, letting the voodoo juices work their way into my system.

I was completely and utterly roaring drunk.

My arms and hips moved perfectly in sync to the rhythm. One boy after another tried making moves on me, wrapping their arms around my waist and stealing kisses. I’d let them for a while, but then I’d push them away, remaining the Untouchable.

But then, there was the boy.

That one damned boy.

Who ruined everything.

I parted the crowd like the red sea as I went to request another drink.

“You’re quite the dancer.”

I turned to the source of the words.

I smirked “I know. I don’t think I’ve had a chance with you yet. Wanna try?”

He smirked. 

“No thank you. I try to stay away from man eaters.”

I scowled at the remark “Who says smartass? I’m just trying to have a good time.”

His eyes darkened.

“I’ll show you a good time.”

I raised an eyebrow as I sipped another most likely drug-filled drink.

“Wanna bet? I doubt you’d last 5 seconds with me, pretty boy.”

“The name’s John.”

“Whatever. Don’t really care. So, what d’you say? Deal, or are you too chicken?”

He rose his hand up.

“Deal.”

I rose mine to shake, but he grabbed it and kissed it.

Like, really kissed it.

My heart went into my throat.

“You’re good.” I admitted.

He raised his eyes to me. “Oh, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.”

There was a gleam in his eyes which sent chills down my spine.

He pulled me off to the side and we started dancing. It was fairly normal, hands on my waist, mine around his neck.

Soon however, he pulled me closer and closer to him. He leaned toward me and for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. But instead he whispered in my ear.

“Tonight baby, you’re mine. And I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t walk.”

My body radiated with heat, my face flushed red. Nobody had said something so forward and confident to me, ever.

“What makes you think I want you to fuck me?”

He grinned wolfishly at me “This.”

This time he leaned in for the kiss.

And oh boy, what a kiss it was.

Not any little peck in high school could have prepared me for this. Who knew someones tongue could be so magical?

He mapped out my entire mouth before he let me breathe again.

He was a hot mess, hair tousled, lips big and pink, and his eyes, full of desire.

His hands lightly went up and down my figure.

“You’re sexy as fuck.”

I blushed slightly. Biting my lip, I looked at the ground. My Shy was rearing it’s head back, coming to haunt me, dammit. What happened to Miss Confident?”

He tilted my head up to face him. 

He licked his lips hungrily staring into my eyes and looking deep into my soul.

“Let’s get outta here.”

He grabbed my hand, and lead us out of Mark’s.

Some of the other boys I had seen him with earlier were smoking outside.

They turned and grinned at him.

“Ey, John! What ya up to?”

“None of your bloody business, Paul.”

They all looked at me and some of them oohed.

“Have fun Johnny!”

“Oh, fuck off Ringo.” John snapped.

He opened the car door for me and we were off.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

Today, I was supposed to prove that I didn’t need anybody by getting drunk and breaking all the boys’ hearts.

Now, I was in a car, bound to lose the very thing I promised I’d never do, in a manner of minutes.

Damn you, John,

We entered a fairly decent looking flat.

“Let me take your coat.”

I shrugged off my mink and walked further into the place.

“Well, welcome to my humble abode.”

It was then that I realized how drunk I was.

The room was spinning.

 “I think... I should sit down.” I slumped onto the couch.

“Right. Where were we? Ah, yes.” 

He turned on me.

He crawled on top of me. I felt the warmth of his breath on my skin, and the heat from the leather sofa underneath me.

He traced my lips.

“I believe I never caught your name. Care to oblige me with it?”

“(y/n).”

He smiled. “Unique. Very pretty. Like you.”

He leaned in once more.

“Now as much as I like this dress, I think it would look much better on the floor.”

I unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt. 

“Whatever you say, handsome.”

He caught my lips once again for a searing kiss.

“I’m going to fuck you now.” he growled.

I smiled goofily, my eyes a bit glazed.

“Sounds good to me.”

~~~

“You owe me 100 dollars, I believe.” Lisa chirped brightly.

I groaned “Shut up, would ya? My head’s killing me.”

She smirked “I won’t stop till you say you lost.”

“Fine, you won. Now shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

She grinned like a cat who got the cream. Passing me a coffee cup she said, “He seemed very handsome. What was his name?”

“John.” I winced. 

“(y/n), you’re human. We all need to give in to our desires sometimes. I’m glad you finally came to your senses.”

“Yeah, yeah...sure, whatever.” I grumbled.

Deep down, I was glad she was right.

I should do it again sometime.

~~~

[reivenesque]

A Cobra Kai Post Tournament Fic [H/C. Friendship]

Running in a Serpentine Fashion Chapter 1: Diaz 

(AO3)

It had been nearly a week since the tournament – which they won, by the fucking way... not that it really even felt like it – because Sensei Johnny was still moping around over god knows what attempting to drown himself in his office with six-packs of lukewarm Coors light. Miguel didn’t realize when sensei even made the switch. He was the one who always said light drinks were for pussies.

They won in spectacular fashion, like one of those cool underdog sports movies and his sensei’s reaction had been… cold at best, which confused the hell out of Miguel. He taught them to win and they did, and his lack of enthusiasm about it was just frustrating as shit. And strange, even by sensei’s definition of strange.

It didn’t help that stuff was weird at home as well. His Yaya was totally over the moon about his win (something about him finally becoming a man that isn’t such a doormat) and his mom had been happy and proud – at first at least, or that was how it seemed on the surface. Miguel could always tell when his mom had something that she needed to get off her chest. She kept acting all strange about him and saying pointed stuff that he couldn’t really understand. But whatever she really wanted to say she kept pent up – which happened like never, so whatever it was was obviously something huge.

It wasn’t until that evening that she finally out and said it while she was bent over the sink washing the dishes and Miguel had come into the kitchen to get a drink. “You were really quite violent with that kid at the tournament the other day. I almost didn’t recognize you for a minute there, mijo.”

And finally everything seemed to click into place.

“I won didn’t I? Strike first, strike hard; no mercy. That’s the Cobra Kai way!” he said. His mom didn’t respond to what he said and when he looked up at the silence he found her eyes shining with what seemed like sadness as they continued staring him down. “Whatever,” he said. He didn’t want to get into it, least of all with his mom and least of all right then. Sensei Johnny was being a moody dick, his mom was being weird and neither of them were reacting to his win the way he expected them to which was kind of pissing him off. So he shoved the orange juice back in the fridge and with a mumbled, “I’m going out,” he grabbed his jacket and left without another word.

Moon and Hawk were sucking face against the wall outside the convenience store they were at, making really gross sucking sounds that were getting super annoying and attracting too much unwanted looks of disapproval from the old people passing by.

When Miguel left the house to get away from that uncomfortable talk his mom was about to make, he did it not with the intention of becoming the third wheel to Eli of all goddamn people making out with one of the hottest girls in school when they were supposed to be hanging out helping him lick his wounds. Thank god for Aisha.

“Nut?” offered Aisha, offering an opened bag of peanuts to him when he walked over and took a seat beside her on the sidewalk.

“Nah,” he said, waving off the offer. “Thanks. I think I have enough nuts in my life as is.”

“Problem at home?” she asked.

“At home yeah… and at the dojo… and at school… and with sensei and my mom and Sam and just – just when I thought things were finally going right in my life,” he groaned exasperatedly and buried his face in his knees, the very picture of wretched. 

He wished badass Miguel from the tournament, the one who kicked ass and got the crowd all pumped up and shit would have stuck around. He was tired of being loser Miguel who didn’t get the girl, made his mom all sad and caused whatever depressive mood his sensei was currently stuck in. He thought he’d finally crawled out of that particular hole.

“Life sucks!” he bellowed suddenly, startling Aisha beside him into dropping the bag of nuts in her hand. She managed to snatch it up out of the air and continued picking at it like nothing happened.

“It does,” she said unhelpfully and completely unconcerned.

Miguel sighed and let his arms drop to the side, resting his forehead on his knees once again.

He didn’t know how long he stayed in that position, probably looking as pathetic as he felt, ironic for someone who just won the All Valley Championship; beating out people with much more experience than him. It was pretty rad for someone who just a year ago would walk around with greens stuck in his braces for hours without realizing it.

“Oh shit, you’re not going to believe this, Diaz.” It was Hawk who made him finally look up. Aisha was busy staring at an indistinct spot across the street and the fact that he’d actually managed to peel himself away from Moon’s lips to notice whatever it was that caught his eye, it must have been something really important. “Check it out, man,” he said what Miguel caught his eye, following in the direction he was indicating with a jutted chin

And up until that point, Miguel didn’t think his night could get any worse. But evidently someone upstairs named Murphy decided that he hadn’t had enough shit flung at him already.

Because down the street, illuminated under the streetlight, strutting without a care in the world and headed towards the convenience store they were convened in front of was none other than Daniel LaRusso’s super special protégé student, Keene.

Just the sight of him made Miguel’s blood boil and all of his other problems all of a sudden seemed almost unimportant.

“Come on, Miguel,” said Aisha, sounding almost concerned. “Let’s not get into this now. It isn’t worth it. Besides, you already won, right?”

Miguel could hear Aisha speaking but none of what she was saying actually registered. He sensed Hawk stepping up behind him, flinging an arm across his shoulder as he leaned in to whisper into his ear. “Round two, man?” He said. Miguel could almost hear the sound of the smirk on his face. “Remember what sensei taught us: strike first, strike hard. No mercy.”

“Don’t listen to him, Miguel,” said Aisha, ever the peacemaker. “Just let it go.”

Miguel was literally standing there with both an angel and the devil whispering into his ear and he didn’t know which advice to take. Instead he asked himself: what would Sensei Johnny do?

The answer it turned out, presented itself before the little sensei in his head could even begin to verbalize of an answer, when Keene got close enough to notice Miguel staring at him like he’d kicked his dog. Miguel didn’t own a dog in any case, he was terribly allergic to fur, but he imagined he would have that exact look if he had a dog and someone decided to kick it.

“Hey, Keene, out so late by yourself? Where’s your precious sensei LaRusso?” he asked. Beside him he could hear Hawk cheering and Aisha sighing exasperatedly.

Keene was about ten feet away before he slowed down to a stop, rolling his eyes and sighing tiredly when Miguel finished his spiel. He thought he sounded pretty damn cool himself.

“Look, I’m not looking for trouble,” he said, raising both arms in front of him. His shoulder must be feeling better since he was without the sling, Miguel thought, not that it mattered anyway.

“Too bad,” he said. “Cause trouble’s my middle name, and you just found him.”

The moment the words left his lips he knew he’d messed up his own cool monologue scene. Beside him he could hear Aisha scoffing and her derisive, “Dude, that was beyond lame. How are we even friends?”

He couldn’t even find it in him to fault her for that one.

“I’m leaving, okay?” said Keene without addressing the utterly lame point of conversation and if Miguel didn’t hate his guts so much, he’d be super appreciative of the guy not rubbing it in.

For a split second right then, he couldn’t even recall why he hated the guy in the first place.

But then his mind went to thoughts of Sam and it rekindled the fire underneath him once again.

“Running like a little mouse, coward?” yelled Hawk at his receding back.

Keene evidently took a much better course on witty comebacks because he said, “Well I can’t wait around all night for you to go fix that lame ass haircut,” which Miguel hated to admit, was a pretty awesome response.

It stirred up Hawk the wrong way unfortunately and Miguel found himself getting between Hawk and Keene instead of being the one leading the charge.

“Don’t be such a pussy, Diaz,” said Hawk, shoving him hard, forcing him to take a step back. “And you,” he continued, looking up at Keene who’d stopped to watch the proceedings interestedly, “We still have unfinished business.”

It was Moon who fortunately swooped in to save the day and the pun was definitely intended; grabbing Hawk by the hand and pulling him back to finish their exploration of each other’s facial cavity by the side of the store. Miguel forced himself to look away disgustedly.

He found Keene staring at him intently when he turned around. “What?”

It took him a moment to think up whatever lie he was about to spin, at least, that’s what Miguel’s brain told him what’s up. “Look man, I know you don’t like me, and I’m really… just… unbothered by any of you. But whatever you think went on with me and Sam… you’re wrong – and pretty stupid for messing up that badly with her.”

Miguel wondered why he stopped Hawk from beating the guy to a pulp at that moment but he reined back his anger. “What did you say?”

Keene seemed to realize his words because he raised a hand as a show of peace. “I mean, Sam was just being a friend, and nothing more. What happened at the beach party – she was talking about you the whole way there. Her mom took her phone and I helped her get out by pretending that I sprained her ankle so her mom would get her to drive home. That’s why she came to find you there and you did… whatever it was you did there.”

Miguel found himself speechless, his mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land. It was not a good look in general, and it probably looked even worse on him. “What?”

“Yeah, man. You had a great thing going with her and you messed it up by being… well, by being a dumb guy.”

“But I saw you guys, at her house having dinner that night? She wouldn’t even think of introducing me to her family but with you…” the last part came out almost as a whine which he wasn’t proud of.

Keene’s brows narrowed, like he was trying to remember the dinner Miguel had mentioned. When it finally came to him, his eye roll was very obvious and very exasperated. “Christ, you really are an idiot, aren’t you?”

“Don’t call me an idiot!” he said, taking a menacing step forward but was held back by Aisha’s hand on his shoulder.

“Well then stop acting like one,” he said, causing Miguel to grumble. “I wasn’t there with Sam. I was there because her dad was teaching me karate and he invited me to dinner. Nothing more.”

As much as Miguel hated Keene calling him an idiot it was slowly and surely dawning on him that he really was a stupid idiot.

“Oh,” he said dumbly.

“Yeah, oh-exactly,” said Keene, and even though Miguel’s hate for him had simmered down by a lot, it still didn’t stop him feeling like he wanted to punch the guy right in his annoyingly pretty face.

“Have you come back to your senses yet, Miguel?” asked Aisha, “Cause I miss the dorky, nice Miguel who I joined the Cobra Kais with, not this… skinny, Latino terminator wannabe Miguel who’s really kind of a dick if I have to be honest. Sam deserves better than that.”

Miguel deserved all the name calling he was getting – and more. He really did feel like a fool, and a tool. He didn’t regret anything he’d achieved at the tournament, it was all because of his sensei that he managed to even achieve all that and he was forever grateful. But he couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he could have handled everything better.

His mom’s unspoken words the last couple of days suddenly made a hell of a lot more sense right then.

“Sorry,” he muttered to no one in particular.

Keene just exhaled, understanding that the indistinct apology was directed at him without Miguel saying it outright. “It’s fine. Will you all please leave me alone now?”

Miguel tried to stop the sheepish look from creeping up onto his face – he still had a reputation to uphold – but resistance proved futile. “Sorry about your shoulder too.”

“Don’t worry about it. What’s done is done.”

Keene really was the better man of the two of them. Miguel realized that old Miguel would never have had a problem admitting that, but for karate champion Miguel, the taste of it was still a bit bitter on his tongue. He was still going to have to work on that.

All of a sudden Keene’s eyes caught sight of something coming up from the side street and his posture immediately changed. The easy air that had come about him immediately dissipated. His brows narrowed and his shoulders became tense.

“Get out of here, guys,” he said to Miguel and Aisha.

Miguel followed his line of sight and saw a group of guys whose faces he couldn’t make out coming out of the side street, headed towards where they were standing almost in the middle of the empty road.

“Everything okay?” asked Aisha when her eyes too followed where Miguel and Keene’s were looking.

“Yeah,” said Keene in a clipped tone. “Just go home, this doesn’t concern you guys.”

From afar Miguel could hear one of the guys saying the name Robby in a teasing, sing-song voice. He felt Aisha’s grip tighten on his shoulder, gently pulling him back from where they were standing. Keene had turned away from them, facing the direction the group were coming from, his hands balled into a tight fist and his eyes narrowed.

“Come on, Miguel. You heard what he said,” said Aisha.

Miguel let himself be dragged back without taking his eyes away from Keene and glancing over at the menacing group closing in on him.

Keene wasn’t his friend. He didn’t even like the guy all that much – or at all. But looking at his back becoming smaller the further away he got, Miguel couldn’t help the odd clenching feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he knew something bad was about to happen.

Tbc.

[thebarbarianbarber-blog]

@davekatweek​ Day 6: Fluff Day!

You and Dave are camping by the lake and you really want to see a meteor shower. But first you gotta wake Strider up.

(for anyone interested: the actual peak of Perseids’ shower is tomorrow - 8/12)

(also i apologize in advance for any linguistic mistakes in this, i’m not a native english speaker)

Make a wish

You crawled into the tent and immediately spotted his messy white hair which were sticking out of the sleeping bag along with his head.

- Dave! - you whispered while shaking his shoulder. - Dave, wake up!

- Sod off, Kankri… I’m done with your shit…

You rolled your eyes. Is your voice really that similar to your brother’s screeching?

- Come on, sleepyhead. Are you wearing your shades? Fucking hell.

- How many times... do i have to tell you… that quick talking… is not rapping... fuck, man, get a life...bla bla bla, i can’t hear you… - Dave muttered.

You gave up on whispering, found his ear and said his name out loud right into it, using all your power of will not to shout. Strider slowly turned around to face you, clearly not satisfied with this turn of events.

- It’s not morning yet. - he growled.

- No shit, Sherlock. Now move your ass, please, and come with me. - you said softly.

- Oh fuck no. I forgot it’s your stupid star party.

- If that’s what you want to call it, yes, it’s my stupid star party and you’re invited. Even though they’re fucking meteors.

- The stars are fucking meteors? - he asked with a snort.

- Well, yes- I mean- No. Goddamnit. That was so unfunny. The opposite of funny, even. - you decided, smirking. - Now get up. We’re going to watch the Perseids.

- Yeah, sure. - he yawned. - Why now?

- Now is the best moment. As you already know, tonight is the peak of the meteor shower which lasted for almost a month already. But the biggest number of them is expected to be seeable in the second half of the night and in the early morning. I certainly don’t want to miss it so I’ve decided now is the right time to wake you up. I want to witness it with you. - you said the last sentence a little more quietly than the rest.

- Wow, thanks. Now I have to get up or else I’ll be an asshole. - he complained.

- Too late. You’re already an asshole, asshole.

Despite the darkness, you noticed he was grinning while getting out of his sleeping bag. You grabbed some apple juice and started to look for orange soda (Dave had chosen the drinks, obviously).

- What? Have you already drunk all of it? - you asked with surprise, showing him three empty bottles, once filled with unhealthy beverage. He examined them and muttered:

- Fuck you too, Dirk.

You sighed and threw the garbage into the bin outside. You were running on apple juice from now.

Dave followed you to the lake. There you sat on a blanket Strider brought with him and enjoyed the landscape before your eyes. The sky above a city full of lights was an image you both learnt to treat as a constant and accept. The sky that night, however, was so much different. It seemed almost alien with its stars, those natural light bulbs, all shiny and majestic, forming constellations that showed themselves only to those far away from urban districts, that sparkling chaos against a background painted with indigo, sapphire and navy blue. Said picture was doubled, one might say, by a reflection in the lake, perfectly mirroring the original. It would be difficult to tell them apart if not for tiny waves ruffling the surface of the water. The forest surrounding the area was filled with a calming silence, though a lonely owl could be heard hooting now and then.

Your tent was the only one around and you haven’t seen anyone so far. This fact made you happy as you dedicated this trip to Dave, even though you were the one excited to see the meteor shower. Nonetheless, you had all this place and all this time for yourselves. You have been looking forward to it for so long.

- Well, how do you like it? - you asked your boyfriend quietly in order not to disturb the peace of the forest.

- It’s dark around here, not gonna lie. I almost feel like I’m one with nature. Like, you could see me on the street and be like “Why hello, nature. How have you been, bro?” And then you’d be like “Oh snap, it’s just you Dave! I thought you were nature.” And I’d say “Yeah, that’s ‘cos we are basically the same person.” That’s pretty much how tight I’m with nature right now. They seem cool.

- Okay, enough of this bullshit.

You took off his shades because, of fucking course, he had them on all this time.

- How about now? How would you describe your relationship with nature?

He looked around in amazement. You could swear his eyes were getting more and more beautiful with every time you saw them.

- It’s just so… - he started. - It’s wonderful.

You smiled.

- I told you it’s not the same in the city.

- And you were damn right.

He gave you a warm gaze and you suddenly felt so lucky.

- Thanks for showing me this place, Karkat.

Love for him that filled you seemed too big for your body.

- Oh, i forgot to tell you. Newsflash. - he paused, for dramatic effect as you suspected. - Rose called me when I was driving and you were sleeping like dead. That scared me a bit, too be honest. Don’t do that again, man.

- Alright, alright, what did Rose say? - you had a feeling it was important. He seemed concerned which was rare in his case.

He hesitated.

- Oh boy. Imma tell you. Flat-out. Straight to the point.

- God, just tell me already!

- Here I go. - he ran his hand through his hair. - Rose and Kanaya want to adopt a baby.

You gasped. Dave was looking a little nervous.

- That’s… Fucking awesome! - you said.

- They went to an orphanage and all that shit. Things are serious. I mean, it takes a hella lot of time to finally get this fucking child and it’s a huge deal apparently. But, yeah. We’re gonna be uncles, dude.

- We’re gonna be uncles. - you repeated.

- Yup. Guess who’s gonna be the cooler one.

- We’re gonna be uncles.

- That’s right. D-Strides over here.

- We’re gonna be fucking uncles, Dave! - you put your hands on his shoulders.- I have to call them.

- Are you nuts? What is it, 3 AM? Chill, you’ll talk about poop and diapers and the psychological drama you and my sister are crazy about but all of this tomorrow, m’kay?

- I guess you’re right.

You looked at the sky feeling a weird mix of excitement and fear. You definitely haven’t seen this coming. Even though you knew it was just the beginning of the adoption process, you still regarded the news as a huge change.

And then you saw it. It was a second, maybe less, but you saw it. A shooting star drawing a bright line on the sky’s canvas and then fading away. Without thinking, you made a wish out loud:

- I wish for a good child for Rose and Kanaya. I wish they wouldn’t wait long for that baby. I wish they would be the best mothers in the world. And I wish we would be the best uncles ever. I wish that kid would receive love and acceptance from everyone around them. I wish they would have a great childhood.

You stopped talking as you decided it was enough. You didn’t consider yourself superstitious but… Fuck, you just wanted them to be happy.

Strider was staring at you, half-smiling.

- That was cute.

You looked away.

- So… What about us? - he asked shamelessly.

Your cheeks were burning. Thank God it was dark.

- What do you mean? - you wondered, knowing exactly what he meant.

- Do you wanna raise a lil’ brat with me? Or a bunch of them. They’d be all over the place yelling and shitting themselves… But I could teach them how to drop it like it’s hot and you could feed them doritos or whatever a bambino eats. Would you like to get in this shithole with me? Like, in the future. Duh.

He was ridiculous.

- You are ridiculous. - you said, chuckling. - I’m pretty sure you are aware that babies don’t eat fucking doritos.

- You’re missing the point, bro.

You were, indeed, missing the point. That’s because you had no idea what to say. You imagined having a kid with Dave. He would be a good father. Full of energy, funny and more caring than he appeared to be. You, on the other hand… You could easily lose control. And you would never forgive yourself if you hurt a child. Your hypothetical child.

- I… I’m really not sure, Dave. - you answered quietly.

- That’s okay. We have tons of time, right?

- We have some, yes.

He was studying your facial expressions for a moment before he said:

- I know what you’re thinking. And I bet you would be the best fucking dad that could ever exist.

You widened your eyes in shock.

- And now you’re thinking something like “how the fuck did he know that?”.

You nodded.

- Surprise! I was a damn psychic this entire time!

- No, you weren’t, shithead. You just know me well, I guess.

- Yeah. And that’s why I know you would kick ass as a father. I mean, you would be so awesome. Not like literally kick ass, that would be terrible.

- I get it. Stop embarrASSing yourself.

He laughed, like a dumbASS he was.

- Just don’t sweat it, alright? - he said, smirking.

- I’ll try. - you promised with a sigh. - I’m gonna get some juice.

- I miss you already. - he whispered when you got up, making you smile.

You went to the tent, grabbed two bottles of the drink and came back. Dave was staring at the sky with his mouth open.

- You missed it! - he exclaimed, facing you. - You fucking missed a star, man!

- No, really? - you asked, disappointed, forgetting to remind him that it was a meteor.

- Hell yeah! It was so bright and bigger than the first one! It just… Pchooooo! Through the whole fucking sky like it was nothing! - he was gesticulating (aka throwing his arms in all directions) trying to show you the trajectory of the Perseid. -  And it was so fucking glorious! What the fuck? Why did you have to go bring this fucking juice?!

Before you could say anything, he pulled you by the arm, forcing you to sit down.

- From now on, no running away. You stay put and watch this motherfucking star bath with me.

- It’s a meteor shower, actually-

- Who the fuck cares what it’s called? It looks awesome. Why didn’t you tell me there was a fucking star wars battle scheduled for today?

- I told you a million fucking times: let’s go and watch it! It looks cool! You never fucking listened!

- Yeah, not enough fucking times, then. Also you sounded fucking boring, no offence.

You rubbed your temples.

- Now that you’ve seen a bit of it, i suppose you don’t find it boring anymore, do you, Dave? - you asked after calming your nerves a little.

- Of course not. Meteors fucking rule.

He wrapped his arm around you and suddenly all your negative emotions decided to go and fuck themselves. Everything seemed to be perfectly fine and it was because he loved you and you fucking loved him back.

- Well? - you asked softly.

- Huh?

- What did you wish for?

- Yeah, like I’m going to tell you.

- And why wouldn’t you? - you asked, raising your eyebrows.

- What if when I tell you it won’t come true?

- Hey! I said my wish out loud. - you reminded him.

He didn’t respond.

- Oh come on. I know you don’t believe in all that shit. Just tell me.

A sinister grin appeared on Strider’s face.

- Make me.

You decided you want to play his little game. You kissed his lips gently and then, without further ado, put your tongue into his mouth. He sighed. You placed your hands on his waist and looked into his incredible cherry-red eyes. He broke the kiss and hugged you before leaving busses on your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, your neck. You pushed him lightly so that both of you were lying down on your sides. He embraced you tightly and began caressing your back. You ran your hand through his shiny white hair.

You loved the touch of his body, the warmth it was giving to yours and the warmth you were feeling inside. Every time you were kissing, hugging, touching, it felt like it wasn’t enough. Before you met him, you thought that making out would bore you. Seriously, for how long could people do that? The same things over and over again, what’s the deal? Oh boy, were you wrong. You wanted this to last as long as it could and when you weren’t seeing each other for a long time - when you were both studying for finals, for example - you longed for him, for all the little talks you had, for his eyes, his whole body and for this unique feeling, uncomparable to anything you’ve ever felt before.

If you were to put it into words, you’d say you felt complete.

You almost forgot!

You sat up and gave him a significant look.

- Oh right, the wish. - he whispered, flushed and cute. - I’ll tell ya, promise, just let’s cuddle a lil’ more, ok?

You rolled your eyes and smiled. He was so convincing. You returned to your previous position, looking at his face with curiosity.

- Okay, so… I wished for a hella good future for us.

- Yeah?

You couldn’t help but smile and he scratched his head nervously,

- I just wanted us, this, to last as long as possible. - he went on. - And that it would be all cool between us. Just. Camping and drinking together and showing you my dope raps and hating on dumb movies and… The rest, you know.

He chuckled awkwardly. He was acting like such a dork while talking about your relationship and it was making your heart melt.

- When I saw this star… I mean meteor… I thought, hey, why not keep it like this. With you. You’re the shit, man. I mean. I like you. Really. - he hesitated for a second. - I love you.

Dave fucking Strider was lying next to you, his facial expression resembling the one of a naughty puppy that has just broken the most expensive vase in your house. Fucking Dave Strider who has just confessed his love for you. Dave Strider (fuck), the most charming, intelligent, handsome and sensitive human being you have ever met.

You would never pay him a compliment using all those superlatives at once, of course. His ego was big enough in your opinion.

And there he was. The love of your life and your best friend in one person.

- I love you too. - you said shakily after who knows how long.

He smiled and you would smile at that moment too if you weren’t already smiling this whole time.

- I wish it would stay that way, bro.

That was it. You just had to hug him with all your might. You laid your head on his shoulder and felt warm streams on your cheeks. Fuck. Why did you have to be like this? Crying like a baby while hugging your boyfriend. You couldn’t stop. Your tears were soaking in Dave’s T-shirt and all you could think about was the fact that they were tears of joy. You cried, filled not with sadness, but with joy for the first time in your life. For the first time you had a reason to cry that way.

After a few minutes you calmed yourself down, still embracing Dave. He said nothing, though kept on patting your head and back, kissing your neck and ear and hugging you as tightly as you were hugging him.

All of a sudden, he stiffened and then said:

- Yo, check this out!

You sat up and turned skywards.

They were everywhere. Tens of meteors falling down at once, right before your eyes. Flashing lines drawn from different angles, varying in sizes and brightness but all equally marvelous. You were afraid to blink in order not to miss any of them. The Perseids appeared for a second, maybe two and then faded into nothingness. It would be impossible to dedicate a wish to each and every one. You didn’t have the ability to count them, either. All you could do was watch this performance of light and darkness, dynamics and steadiness until it was over.

And when it finally was, you were staring at a sky that suddenly felt so empty.

Neither of you said anything for quite a long time as you were both amazed by what you saw. When you looked at Dave, you noticed his eyes, as well as his mouth, were opened wide. He faced you and blinked. You were no less thrilled than him.

- That was beautiful. - you mouthed.

- You are beautiful. - he responded, flirtatious bastard.

You snorted and kissed him on the cheek. He yawned. You patted your thighs and he laid his head on them. You played with his hair for a while and continued to observe the sky.

After that great number of meteors you saw, you were excited and not sleepy at all. You were hoping to see another one or two.

Eventually you saw a shooting star (at that moment you realised that this term was incorrect) and looked at Dave, wanting to tell him. However, you saw his eyes were closed and heard him breathing slower than usual. Goddamn sleepyhead.

You, just like Dave, wished it would stay that way.

You also came to a conclusion that watching him sleep is like watching a meteor shower for millions of hours. Or even more beautiful.

[alotofgaymistakes]

Bad Date Stories: That Time Someone Shot Up In My Bathroom

I’m going to refer to this as a hostage situation. Because it basically was.

The Hostage Situation, Prior:

Grindr.

So, I had seen this guy on there. His profile came and went on my radar. His profile pic was attractive, and at the time his description came off as him being someone with a personality - I was interested, so I reached out. Crickets. I let it go. Plenty of non-responses and ghosts on the dating and hookup apps, nothing new, so I moved on.

Some time later (weeks? months? It was a while), my phone belts out the Grindr notification noise, and when I pull up the message -  Well whaddya know? Dude had messaged me. We chatted for a bit, and somewhere in the conversation I remarked that I had reached out to him before, but he had never replied back. He apologized, and said that the lack of response from him was strange because he thought I was attractive and definitely would have messaged back, had he seen something from me. Maybe the message got lost in a flood of others? A victim of a profile delete and remake? In any case, we were chatting now, and he said he was interested. The Hostage Situation, the Night of: Dude and I had eventually come to agree on hanging out, and he told me where he lived. He wasn’t too far away - just on the other side of town. Ah, but there was an issue:  he didn’t have a working vehicle. I can’t remember what the reason was, either. This didn’t come off as a problem by itself. I mean, cars break down, right?. People get in accidents and vehicles get totaled. Some people don’t need personal transportation and live in areas served well enough by public transportation (we’ve got bus and light rail where I live), and can get around and make do without. My vehicle worked just fine, so I didn’t mind playing chauffeur. I told him as much, and he gave me his address to pick him up. We decided to hang out at my place. I drove over to the address he gave me - it was an apartment complex - I parked, and let him know I was there.

Now this, dear readers, is where the slalom course of red flags began. Seasoned veterans of the dating world would have immediately had the Kill Bill sirens roaring in their heads, and started texting some friends for help on an exit strategy. I, however, drank the dumb bitch juice and had on my blinders, and got trapped the fuck in hell.

When he came down and hopped in my car, he had a backpack with him that he chucked in the backseat. We said our hellos, and when I asked about the backpack, he explained it was just his wallet and a few personal affects he didn’t want to leave alone.

((At this point, I had started to back out of the parking space and head out of the lot)).

Apparently, his current roommate had taken some of his stuff and thrown it out before, and ransacked and rifled through his belongings, and he was working on moving out to a new place, but in the interim, he didn’t want to leave certain personal valuables out of reach. My dumb bitch juice started to wear off at that point. On one hand, that seems like a logical thing to be doing with some personal possessions if you have a crazy roommate. On the other hand, that sounds shady as shit, and I was skeptical of his story.

On the way out his apartment complex, he stopped the conversation, to very forcefully suggest to me that we take a different exit out of the place. I continued on to the one I had planned to go out of, asking him why. “There were cops out here earlier, and I just don’t like cops. Fuck pigs.”

At this point, readers, my sonar finally started pinging. There was something up here.

At his urging, I took a right and looped around the complex and went out a different exit. My brain was shaking off the whole “Hey this guy is cute and he’s into me” vibe, and very quickly replacing it with a “how the fuck can I end this night quickly, because something is just not quite right here my spidey senses are tingling god damnit fuck me ughhhh” vibe. We got back to my place, he stood outside and lit up a cigarette, and I went back in and got us some drinks, trying to think of a plan to shut this shit down early. Could I have just been like “Hey haha sorry I changed my mind you gotta go bye?” Yes. Did I feel safe doing it? Hell no. I went back outside, drinks in had, and we sat down, and we started talking. We had one of those “talk about life, the world, art, spirituality” kinds of conversations. Except it was very one sided. Because I was mentally checked out, and he was just all over the fucking place. Eventually, we went inside, we talked about watching a movie. My fucking stupid bitch juice hadn’t worn off all the way, because my brain was still flirting with the idea of sex.

Before we went upstairs though, he wanted another drink. And by another drink, I mean he picked up my handle of Cherry Smirnoff, and downed nearly half of the bottle, while I went to the bathroom to piss. We went upstairs. I threw on one of the Resident Evil movies since it was something we both enjoyed. About 15 minutes into it, he got up and said he had to go to the bathroom for a minute. When he went, I noticed his backpack went with him. He was in there for awhile. Then he came out, and hopped back on the bed, and continued watching the movie with me. Immediately, I noticed something different. His whole body language, his mood, his speech - totally different. More relaxed, but also a bit....disconnected from reality? He attempted to initiate some flirty contact. The making out, however, didn’t last too long or get too far. He started acting kind of tired and sloshed. He couldn’t focus for shit. I guess that vodka’s finally hitting him? He said he was tired, apologized for it, materialized a Red Bull from his backpack, and proceeded to chug it. 

We went back to watching the movie, with little fits and starts of conversation here and there, but on the whole - he was half awake and not even there anymore. How, I have no idea, because he just fucking chugged a Red Bull. I was skeptical as shit. What did he do in the bathroom? I wanted him gone, but now he was basically asleep on my bed. After about 40 minutes or so, he woke up. Red Bull started to do it’s job. He wanted to go outside and have a smoke. So we went out, and man oh man, did the mania suddenly hit out of fucking nowhere.

MIllion miles an hour talking, couldn’t stay on a topic for more than 5 seconds, kept forgetting the cigarette was lit, all over the place, m a n i c. Inside my head, alarm sirens. We were out there for I don’t know how long, through I don’t know how many fucking cigarettes. I just wanted to be done with it. I just wanted it to be over. Something was up here, and I wanted zero part of it.

I didn’t want to be confrontational, or even try and assert myself in a way that could cause conflict, in trying to shut this shit down. I tried to be subtle. I started hinting that we should wrap the night up, that I was getting tired, I should probably take him back home soon, I had stuff I wanted to do tomorrow, etc. etc. They all just bounced right off. I couldn’t even get back inside to take a piss, I was trapped in this conversation, clawing for a way out. Somehow, we got stuck talking about Trent Renzor and Nine Inch Nails for like 45 minutes. I feel like I deserve an emmy for the performance I gave where I pretended to care about Trent Renzor and Nine Inch Nails for 45 minutes. Let me be very clear here: I do not give a shit about Trent Renzor or Nine Inch Nails. I was, however, fantasizing about putting a nine inch long nail through my skull.

It was like 3 or 4 AM at this point. Homeboy had burnt through all his cigarettes. He had chugged half my vodka. He had gulped down a giant Red Bull. We had exhausted every fucking conversational topic we could think off. Alice was abandoned on my TV, beheading zombies for an audience that was no longer watching.

When I FINALLY was able to steer the conversation to a stopping point and step back inside, dude had a fucking moment of self-awareness, and realized that he was just a bit too wound up. (Gee, you fucking think?) The answer to this seemed to be a two part solution. The first was to pick up the bottle of vodka on my counter, and finish it off.

The second part is what smacked me across the face. He pulls out a fucking bag of pills from one of his pockets. Xanax. He offers me one, as he proceeds to just casually stroll into my bathroom, crush one up on the counter, and then promptly fucking snort it. Oh, is that what he was doing in the bathroom earlier?

I declined the request, and just stood there a bit dumbfounded for a moment. I didn’t know how to get this person out of my house. I was tired. I wanted to go to bed, but somehow, there I was, trapped with someone who will henceforth be known as ‘Speedball’.

Where in my life did I go wrong?

Luckily, amazingly, wonderfully, my prayers for an end were answered in some sort of fucked up monkey’s paw fashion. Apparently, snorting xanax is effective, especially when mixed with a ¼ of a handle of Vodka, because holy shit, did this dude fucking crash. The exact series of events here is muddled in my brain. He we wound back upstairs in my bedroom, where he just passed the fuck out on a corner of my bed. Hard. Didn't even get under the covers. I sighed, crawled into the space of my bed not occupied by an erratic junkie, and passed out. It was like 4 or 5AM at this point.

Not terribly long after, do I wake up, as does he. It was around 8 or 9AM. I had to walk the dog. He was still groggy. Perfect. I can have some alone time for a bit. I went outside, and cooked up a plan while the dog did the business. Would saying I got a work call for an important issue get me out of this hell? Could I fake it? It’s worth a shot. When I came back in, I pretended to be finishing up a phone call with work, and made sure he overhead me. Then I laid it on him that I needed to take him back home, as I had to focus on some stuff for work that had come up. He tried to poke at the topic of hanging around, but I shut the shit down. Ha. Ha ha. No. (Why didn’t I think of this the night before? Fuck). After a pit stop at a gas station for him to pick up cigarettes, and I dropped his ass off at his apartment, and sped. the fuck. away. 

When I got back home, my roommate had woken up (I forget where the hell he was in all of this), and a very exhausted, irritated me, told him that I was buying a gun, and placing it in the closet, and the next time I am trapped in a fucking nightmarish hell with someone like that, I am going to shout a safe word, and upon hearing it, my roommate was to promptly get the gun, and just fucking shoot me in the head.

He looked at me like a deer in headlights as I went upstairs and collapsed.

Text and Grindr messages from Speedball went unanswered. However, I didn’t have to work too hard to ignore them though. His grindr profile blipped out rather quickly after the ordeal (either he deleted it or he blocked me), and he didn’t try too hard to keep up with me via text either. I resigned myself to the idea that maybe his phone got stolen. Or damaged. Or sold for drugs. Or all three.

Epilogue 1 (Short Nightmare)

About a month later, I’m out at one of the clubs with some friends. Someone throws their hands over my face and says “Guess who?” in my ears.

Speedball. It’s fucking Speedball. I wanted to die.

The group of people I’m with, blithely unaware of this person or what the fuck I had to go through with them, make a space at the table.

Great. Awesome. Wonderful. Love you gays sooo much.

For the next half an hour or so, he’s chatting me up. Some passive aggressive backhanded compliments here, some snarky gay snark there. I’m playing along as nice as I can, sipping my drinks, he’s grabbing my thigh, I’m pretending not to notice, you know, just “FUCKING GOD DAMNIT SHIT HELL AUGHHHHH” things.

Thank god I was driving friends. Because when they wanted to go, “Well nice seeing you but I’ve got to go take these guys home byeeeee” was my bullet train ticket away from that particular trainwreck.

Epilogue 2 (Hilarious Additional Details Come to Light)

Almost a year after this whole ordeal, I was having brunch with a friend at the time, and somewhere between my omelette and my mimosa, was my mortification at how my friend’s roommate had gone PSYCHO on him, attacked him in the hallway of his apartment complex, caught on camera and all, and how the guy had skipped court dates to show up for it, but the cops were not pursuing the roommate or seemed to be making a huge deal of it at the time.

I had asked him who the fuck his roommmate was, and what prompted the attack.

HA. 

HA HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA.

HA.

Turns the fuck out? His roommate was fucking Speedball. The attack? Came after a conversation about either rent, or him not bringing drugs into the apartment, or something like that (can’t remember clearly).

My brunch damn near fell out of my mouth.

I told my friend “Hi, hello, yes, I know this fuck. We hung out. It was a fucking shit show”, and I proceeded to tell him the whole fucking story. Oh man, my friend fucking LIT. UP.

“OH, WAIT, YOU’RE *THAT* ROBERT???!!”

Turns out, Speedball had talked about me, and our time hanging out, to several people. One of which, was my friend.

This is where I learned that, in addition to the alcohol abuse and xannies that were on display for me that night,

WHEN SPEEDBALL WAS IN MY BATHROOM WITH HIS BACKPACK, HE WAS ALSO SHOOTING UP HEROIN

(he had told my friend about him doing it in my bathroom???). Turns out, I didn’t pick him up from his apartment, he was actually couch surfing at a friends or some shit, all the shit he had told me about bad roommates and shit getting stolen from him and finding new places to live and his car being out of order? Total bullshit, and 110% related to some junkie life drama.

MFW.

And this, is the story, of how I was held hostage for like 13 hours by a fucking addict who drank all my vodka and snorted xanax and shot up in my bathroom.